For years(really) I have believed this idea, aka, LIE. Well, there are more than one, but this one in particular has crippled me in major areas of my life. I bought into the idea that I was not as capable of love as everyone else. That I was horrible, and unlovable because of this inability to love in a way that was acceptable to the people around me. That my love did not fit their definition and therefore wasn’t good enough. This lie came from the enemy of love and life and truth. He shared it with those that he knew would be succeptible to it, and they believed it and so the cycle of hurt began. The enemy DESPISES mothers. I have blogged about this before. I can’t remember when….. The point is, his jealousy is raging and dangerous. We have the ability to bring forth life, and he does not. We are altogether lovely, and he is not. Do not underestimate the lengths he will go to, or the lies he will put in place to paralize you in your place of power….your home, your motherhood.
Its been coming for a while, the Lord ,working on this lie, as if it were a knot that he is taking his time loosening, and unraveling. I have been hearing whispers of truth, whispers of love and life. Today, one of my girls at work, was sharing with me, and I opened up my heart a little and shared with her. It was lovely, and she said that she loved talking to me, and that she thought I was great, and that I made her laugh. I knew it! I CAN give love, and I CAN receive love, I CAN reflect love, and pass love on. It sounds so simple, but the spell is broken, the knot is no more, the lie is undone.
I know he will come again, but for now I am basking in the warmth, and light of this truth.
One young girl changed my mind.
Recently, a friend sent me a link to a fashion blog that made me drool. I love it, I can spend lots of time looking at the outfits and reading the way the stylists describes them, almost like food. Speaking of food, I love food blogs, too. Delicious photos of delicious food that I fantasize about making. If you like fashion, you will love this cardiganempire.com. And if you love food along with photos of food go to pioneerwoman.com
I wish my blog was like that , but its not. I add in a little fashion and a little talk about Glam(my clothing store), but really, this blog is just ….my story. My story and all the characters who live in it. There are days when it is a comedy, and days when its a drama and sometimes a tragedy, at least in my own mind. So there you have it, this blog is a hybrid.
I am thinking of ways everyday to keep myself uncovered in this blog, to let those of you reading ,see as much as there is to see, in hopes of speeding the healing process along.”What am I healing from”, you ask,…..thats simple…..my human condition. Enjoy.
I feel like God is writing an outline for my story. I can move my character around, tweek her, for better or for worse, but mostly, I feel like I am getting to know the character, that God dreamed me to be.
I feel like blurting out my weaknesses to you right now. I know for a fact, that once we say things out LOUD, they get smaller, so here goes…..
- the books of the Bible, I can’t find the ones I need, to save my life. If the
pastor says to look something up, you would think that I am on Jeopardy, thats how much pressure I feel. - communication…yep, I let things build and boil until they spill over and burn someone.
- driving….I don’t like to drive, it makes me nervous. My friend Erin was born to drive, its one of the things that I admire about her.
- taking care of my husband when he is sick- NOT GOOD. I just want him to be well, and somehow have convinced myself that if I don’t believe that he is sick, that he’s not.
- laundry…I am not a great folder.
- mopping….never quite got the hang of it.
- sympathy…doesn’t always come easy.
Ok….enough therapy for today. I’m just saying, a lot of the time I worry about what people think and say about me. SO…. if I state all the “not so strong ” parts of my personality myself, then, I have nothing to fear.
I took yesterday off. I had to process my birthday. It was just so good. And not a man made good, it was man made normal and GOD GOOOOD. I felt so loved ,from the time I woke up, until the time I went to bed. The kids made me the greatest cards, the Butcher went out of his way to make sure that I didn’t have to lift a finger to do anything, Myrhh (aka Erin) drove in from Charlotte, to take me to lunch, and Freckles gave me an unexpected gift, Shanah made my birthday cake (which was delightful), my family came over and shared in my celebration…it was loud and busy and altogether wonderful.
The Lord also gave me a gift, he planted a seed in my heart for the future. A seed, that will change my story…thats just the way he is, I am thinking botox, and he is thinking fresh wind and rain clouds. I will keep you posted on this seed, it is young and tender, and I am nurturing it right now.
You took my heart, called lovely, and you broke it in two.
you broke it, until it looked like you.
you took my love, called lonely, and you stretched it
you stretched it until it reached…you.
I love my mom. I’m talking about real love. In my 12 years of life I have never seen such a beautiful woman. She cooks, cleans, runs a store, and still finds time to love on us. If she tells me that anyone was mean to her today, I will find you. Love you my little Angie!
For those of you who followed my link to Victoria Martinsen and prayed for her and her family,thank you. She walked into the arms of the Lord yesterday afternoon. Half of her life she fought this battle against cancer, and along the way, changed my life and countless others. She was an ambassador in every sense of the word. She never gave up and she never gave in. Her spirit man was in top fighting shape. I will never forget the spunk that she was so willing to share.
My urgency to pray for her family has never been stronger, so if you feel it too, join me. Its a new day for them, a whole new life. They have 2 little boys that can’t remeber a time when there was no sickness. They will have to readjust to life. So, pray today for SUPERNATURAL blessings, and grace to get through. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/victoriamartinsen you can go hear and read the beautiful words that her mom has written about her. I am not going to be sad today, but I am not going to forget either. love each other today.
I love the month of November ! It means my birthday, and Thanksgiving . Every year I say to myself,”self, slow down and enjoy this !” And every year it flies by, as I prepare for Christmas and Z’s birthday(jan 5). How do I do it this year ? How can I get the most out of my November ?
Here is my idea, prepare yourself ,it is contrary to yesterdays blog when I declared the public in general ,was on my nerves…. I am going to challenge myself to do fun stuff with family and friends. Old friends and new. Last night was Halloween and we basically invited ourselves over to a friend of Isaiah’s house. His name is Max, and we think he is great. Max just happens to belong to great parents and have an adorable sister Adam’s age. And don’t forget Gran, Max has a grandmother called Gran who is also adorable. SO….we invited ourselves to their house for All HALLOWS EVE, and they graciously entertained us and cooked for us ! A fun time was had by all. I felt victorious over this old spirit of isolation that hangs around me. GO ME ! So, Octobers challenge of not eating out is over (it was hard but good). And Novembers challenge is……spending time with family and friends, old and new. I want spur of the moment get togethers, and kids playing, I want bon-fires and cookouts, I want happy memories and good times, Ultimately….I want the joy of the Lord to fall down this November.If you can help me with this and you like a challenge, BRING IT ON.
I don’t know if anyone reads this blog, but man, do I enjoy writing it. Not as much as I enjoy writing bits of songs on scraps of paper, but I still like it a lot. Its an outlet, at a time when I feel like the Lord is setting me apart for teaching.
I have been feeling alone, but I know that I am not. I can feel him. Even in my venting, and my frustration, I do not go with out him. He covers and uncovers me as he sees fit.
Makes me sort of mad that I even WANT human companionship. I want to want him and I need to need him, I love to love him, and yeah sometimes I beg him to beg me. (somebody should write a song like that 
)
SOMETHING is going on with me. I don’t know what, and to tell you the truth…thats ok. I am an open book, sometimes too open. The good thing about this blog is that, it is mine, and I can be as honest as I want on it.
So here is my truth today…
- people, in general are on my nerves
- i am being convicted right now for the truth listed above.
- my house is not clean, but my hair is.
- i love my kids enough to both kill, and/or die for them.
- I hate it when the Butcher leaves trash in my car
- the above listed truth leads me to sin
- i go from bothered to irate in about 30 seconds
- the above listed truth leads me to sin and repent
- I am sick of politics
- i am sick of fake people
- fake bubbies are ok with me, but not a fake heart
- I have never committed to a hairdresser
- nothing on earth makes me feel like I do when I am worshipping the Lord. nothing.
- Nothing breaks my heart or causes me more insecurities than worshipping the Lord.
- I hate the truth listed above.
- I can’t stand to be decieved, and yet, I let the enemy do it to me on a daily basis.
- If I love you, I love you.
- I want to love more people
- I don’t.
Some people are just plain passive-aggressive. I just want the truth, honesty, the real deal, and the bottom line. Get over yourself. SAy what you mean and mean what you say. Be responsible for your actions and I will be responsible for mine.
