I went to youth group on Sunday night, curiosity, really. New guy, new thoughts, and I wanted to see what he had to say. Boy, was I in for a surprise when I started feeling this familiar tugging on my heart….conviction. He brought up the spiritual anorexic…the person who wants the Lord, craves him even, but despite that, is starving themselves….working out , giving out….without any fuel, no food, no bread of life. If that is you….you don’t crack the Bible open during the week, you don’t worship, you don’t talk to the Lord….you starve your soul. Your heart will give out, it can only take so much.
And then there is the spiritual bulemic. I identify with this, and feel a little ashamed of it. I binge. I binge on worship, on the word, on prayer….sometimes in private sometimes not….I want it all. I stuff it in…..until something happens that I don’t like, a trial, a struggle…..then I throw it all up. All that food, all that nutrition…gone, in comes the shame to take its place. Yeah, I said that. The first step in recovery is admitting that you have a problem. Somewhere along the way, I didn’t learn to trust my ABBA. I want to. I really do. My mission is to find a way, to eat smaller meals , all day long…and to keep them down, even when my life is not smooth sailing. The Lord is good and good for you. Its going to be day by day for a while. I am learning to trust him in the big and in the small, I am seeing that I don’t have to stuff myself to feel satisfied.
So, there….I took Matt’s words and feasted on them, I am letting them feed me today. I want to be a good example for my kids in all areas. Thanks Matt, you really brought it on Sunday. You are doing something right if you can reach the kids and the adults at the same time. Bravo !
The truth is….I am just a little tired of all the heavy stuff. So, I will share a new truth today ! Last week both of my sons had strep throat, they were pitiful. Laid on the couch, silently( that is the key word) suffering. They wanted to snuggle, but not too much. They needed me, but also wanted to rest. WELL…..Isabelle is at home today with a cough, sore throat and a temp. What a different patient she is ! She started the morning off moaning, asking for things, in terrible pain….hardly able to make it. Eye opening, really. She feels good enough to still get her 2000 words in by lunch time. I wonder where she gets that ?
The fact is, boys and girls are different. Men and women are different.Brothers and sisters fight, husbands and wives fight.Men want to fix it and forget it, women want it fixed….the way they want it fixed.period.
Almost Valentines Day. Sometimes I wish our story was typical, easier…sweeter. It’s not, it’s…EPIC. I love you. There is fire here, after all of these years, and all these tears…there is love. I still feel the way I did 15 years ago…swept away, like there is no one else for me….but you.
This year has been hard, maybe the hardest yet…inside I still feel 20 years old ,and I am still learning to let myself be loved. Who knew that it could take so long ? I still see the scarlet letter when I look in the mirror sometimes, and I let myself fall into the trap. My heart knows its not there….it’s just a shadow.
I always talk about REAL LOVE, well…this is it. It’s two people navigating together, its not smooth like a river stone, its jagged and faceted….beautiful and rare. I love you, but I want to love you better…love you like I love my own soul. You are and always have been my valentine.
We are under the weather over here, Isaiah just got over strepthroat, but now has a cough and low temp today. And then there is Adam, thought he had gotten strepthroat from Z, the Dr. called in meds, but he just did not respond. He is very sick, can’t walk around, sore throat, headache, fever, dizzy….the Dr thinks it might be mono.We will get the test results today, praying for a negative. Mono lasts an average of 4 weeks…..declaring that its NOT that. Join me.
I was feeling ok, the boys being sick has given me something to focus on other than myself, but this week, out of the blue, Three different friends took the time to pray for me, send me a card, and one sent me a link to a writers conference. I don’t know if she even knows that, it was a daily devotional written by a lady, who didn’t think she could be a writer, but God had put that dream in her heart, and she was willing to get out of the boat, and walk on the water, or at least attempt it. It really moved me. How often do I say to the Lord ” I don’t trust you, I ‘ll stay in my seat?” Too often. My heart knows that he plants the seeds that are growing in me, my heart also knows that I have allowed some weeds, and critters into my garden…..there are better times around the corner. I am going to be doing some gardening around here and Spring is just around the corner….for you too.
Grattitude- a grateful attitude. I just made that up, feel free to use it.
I am grateful for……
- a Papa bigger than everything else
- health
- love
- tenacity
- friends
- my husband
- my children
- wholeness
- forgiveness
- crown and diet
- kid’s valentines
- the wisdom of others
- mexican food
- house hunters international
- under eye concealer
- music in my heart
- my down comforter
I could go on and on….its a good excercise to do, when you start thinking about your situation….mine is good. I am using it to change my atmosphere… bye !
Moving forward, night becomes morning, and with it comes another new start. Another chance to lay down my life. It’s not as if I am doing that great of a job with it anyway. And so, here it is again. And again. Nothing is mine, except what you give…which is enough. On a practical level, there is no way for us to make it through the next month financially, and when I say make it, I mean with lights and power. That is the truth. …on this earth. But I am really believing for things unseen. My help will not come from anywhere else. It is well. If the lights go out, we will turn it into a pioneer experiment, and become educated by that. If the heat is turned off, we will get out the sleeping bags, and call it a camping trip. I will not give up or in. I am not weak, I was ….but that was before Jesus became a squatter in my heart, and now he owns the right to it. Ha ! possession is nine tenths of the law right???He has possession of me. I don’t really know anything other than that right now. But today… that is enough.
Thats what I mean….and I’m feeeeelin’ gooood. Ever heard that song ? I really need that. I have been having bad dreams. The Butcher assures me that these dreams are not warnings, simply manifestations of my fears. Fears that have plagued me …..forever. I pray them away, I cast them out, I believe and declare that they are gone…..but sometimes they come back. The dreams are vivid and detailed, they leave me unsure, unbalanced, and uneasy. In a nutshell….I have fear of death, fear of failure, extreme guilt whenever I leave the kids( even for a datenight), and general anxiety. I am growing tired of it. Increasingly tired. I have been applying for jobs and trying to be hopeful. I am powerful….that is what God says…what does he know? I actually have to ACT on what he says to make it so. It’s up to me. Do I stay or do I go ? The place I am now is dark, depressing and desperate….I know that I can go to a place that is light, hopeful….happening. Why would I even question it ? My spirit man feels malnourished, dehydrated, and infected with this world. ENOUGH. I don’t want this. I have let my spirit man become lethargic, flabby and tired….Thank God that every day is a new day. Thank God. Holla!
Since Thanksgiving, I have been at home, without a job, every day, all day long….boring.
I LOVE fashion, always have, but the reality of my situation has brought out the slumpy-dumpy in me. And believe me, when I say, slumpy-dumpy, I am not talking about the cute sweats in the photo here to my right. I am getting sort of sick of it. It went from getting excited about the prospect of simply going to Target, to not really getting dressed for anything other than church. I have been not answering my phone ,and basically am sinking into the comfort of my home. The truth hurts. I wish that I could throw myself into something and really care about it, but I don’t, its got me a little worried. Our limbo is lingering. I really haven’t even wanted to blog, because I really don’t want your encouraging words. Thats the kind of mood I’m in.
I know it drives the Butcher CRAZY, whenever I am down. He is a fixer, and there isn’t much he can do. He is doing his best, and that is what keeps me going. I want my JOY back ! I want my STYLE back !! I am the original Glam Girl, I’ve just lost my mojo. But don’t you worry, it was mine all along, and I’m gonna find it !!
The Butcher is out peddling his goods. I am encouraged by his tenacity. I am one of those people who can stay inside my house for days at a time, safe and secure with my treasures around me. Not the Butcher. He is a mover and a shaker, an exhorter. A party on wheels…literally, now that he has a hot dog cart. I, on the other hand, am being quiet. I am waiting desperately for the Lord to speak, to call me. Yesterday, I was quietly hiding, but today, I am quietly being held by Yeshua. Its nice. There is no urgency, life is not unravelling, if I sit in the silent sunshine, and just ….be. What a relief that is.
It is a week that is filled with school projects, and hip hop classes for belle and z, birthday parties….there is life happening around me, but for now, I am sitting. And for once….I am okay with that.
My Lord, roll over me, swell up in me, break me open, and then….flood out.
So….The Butcher got the official OK to park his Zippy Dog cart outside of the ACE Hardware on Woodruff this Saturday ! Is it weird ? YES. Is it wonderful ? YES ! He dreamed it, he went after it, and he is going to do it. He is not afraid of hardwork, and with his personality, I am betting that people will be showing up for the joke of the day, as well as the delicious NATHAN’S hotdogs ( homeade chili, too) !
Apparently, we did not realize just how good we had it at Thomas’ job. (sorry Taft) You don’t know what you’ve got til its gone….sad song. Anyways, we had a company car, and a company phone. So, when the job is gone, not only do you lose your income, but you take on a car payment and a new phone bill ! I believe that the Lord has been looking out for us though. As usual. We believe that we have been able to find 2 cars for the same amount we were paying for just mine ! Funny, just like houses, automotive values are down, too.
I have been on the computer all morning applying for jobs…its tough because Thomas’ hours are so up in the air, and we do have a house and 4 kids that still have to be taken care of. They are my first priority. So, once again, I am asking….if you know of any possibility of a job (file clerk, answering phones…) please let me know. Thanks, and thanks for reading !
