If you are a mother with a daughter and a mother with a mother , then you know…it’s perfection and problematic all at the same time . As I look at her lying there , wearing that skin that’s paper thin and soft as a newborns, I wonder how we got here . I take my eyes off the road, and I’m swept away with fear. Memories float across my mind like snowflakes , each one different and too light to hold. You , larger than life , dancing with a smile on your face. You , laughing loud and throwing your head back. Bath time conversations are constant. You …tying me to a safe place when I start to scatter into pieces. You losing your place and getting off track. I want it all back . All the time. All the days. With my mom. Hey my little baby girl, you’re my sunshine and l love your light. Every day and every night I pray for time to crawl , and even now I hear you call…mama. I answer , I always will. We will hold hands , and hearts all the days , all the times . I’ll sing and dance so hard. I’ll laugh and throw my head back. I’ll tell you stories and smell your neck. I’ll anchor you when you get too far. I may lose my way, I’ll be back. I’m your mom. You’re my daughter. I’m your mommy. You are my mother. I am your daughter. It’s the circle of life. Never ending.
Recently my husband came home from a retreat, he was fired up and beautiful! He was ready to take the helm and be the spiritual leader of our home . Initially I said , yes, thank you Lord ! But I started to think , where does this leave me , what’s my role ? I lamented , and I asked the lord . And I feel like I have a pretty clear answer. So let’s dive in . Truth- my husband is the spiritual leader , and I am to lean on him , he is strong and steadfast . I have no doubts about him. It’s me that I find a little squirrelly:) I love when the lord gives me clear answers and today he did . Maybe this is for you too , answers to questions you haven’t even spoken out loud . So here goes , I am the roots and the river. I plant seeds , I till the ground , I cultivate relationships and compromise. I am the river flowing with compassion and yet raging against the stones of time. I am the keeper of many tales of scandalous grace , mine and my children’s . I speak to them on a regular basis of the mysteries of mercy. So I will continue on doing my part, navigating but not alone . I am so thankful for the strong tower that my husband is . Whether he knows it or not , he made all of my giving , my loving , my growing … possible .
When the flame of Love lights up your dark and When the love inside you burns so hot that it changes your surroundings… When the warmth of that Love protects you from the hypothermia of your every day…when solids become liquids and mountains become dust… when the fire cools to ashes and the ashes turn to beauty…. you know heavens fingers have touched the earth. All of my feelings on the day of your birth.
There were two friends called truth and light . They go happily together hand in hand . They walk through the forests and the valleys of shadow with courage. The sinister villain, darkness has followed them , too closely, at times . He has even touched them … but he will never hold them . Together , they are strong . Truth and light share the strongest force of all …. love. It’s the one thing darkness is powerless against.
I am feeling funny this birthday morning . The Lord has been revealing things to me that have been long forgotten, long covered by earth, and memory and time. Some of the revelations are hurting me , but mostly they are healing me. HE is giving me truth , so that I can walk in light. The very best birthday gift of all. Each year brings new wisdom. I am 43 years wise !
This morning someone said to me ,” the more we are hidden on earth, the more we are revealed in heaven “. This is an anthem today. I am building a fortress around me out of scripture. I am laying down and covering myself with a blanket of promises, old and new. But most of all , I am believing that the ugly, the dark , the hidden places are making me known to heaven, those hurt and broken places are making me familiar with my Father. Inside and out he knows me , he knows you . So for now , you and I can keep hiding out, crying in our secret places , and all the while … our hiding is leading the son of man, the son of God right to us . We are an incorruptible seed planted by the one who paid for everything we have ever wanted to hide . We are the innocent ones …. revealed over and over again . Take heart and have courage . We are not alone .
You don’t know fire , until you are in the fire. You can’t describe it, or explain it. All you can do is pray. Pray that this is not the end , pray that a flood is coming. A flood of hope, a flood of relief, a flood of goodness and grace . A flood of love big enough to drown the fire and stop the burning . That’s the gospel, that’s the scarlet cord, that is where our help comes from .
I wrote this psalm at a time of such struggle, and I still love it today.
How far away will you let me go ?
How afraid will you let me be ?
Fear is my enemy, he is chasing me
He calls out to me in the day, wrestles me in the night
Lord please hold me, keep me in your sight.
My eyes search you out, your voice, your wisdom, your light.
You push back the heavens until I am in clear view
You answer cry, give me all of you.
You never looked away, even in the darkest day
my spirit shines and sings praises to your name
I will dance, I will dance, I will dance , I will dance
I will give hope a chance.