Feeling a little like a limp rag tonight. I started crying sat night after the realization that I ,in fact ,have lived under the cloud of the “orphan spirit”. Drat…I hate being a cliche. I figured that there would be a chance the Lord would call me out today and start the work. Seriously, I saw Sheila Brown, and I KNEW. She has the quiet power that was required for this battle. And so, she let my Father love on me ,through her, and I cried…and cried…and cried. My eyes are still stinging ,and if I don’t concentrate, I will cry again now. I am so relieved. And so broken.
My healing had to come, it is time. My desire for perfection in my kids and husband was killing me ,and ruining the atmosphere in our home. I wanted it to be perfect for MY FATHER. If I did a good enough job as a parent, if I took my most loved treasures, and raised them JUST RIGHT for him, then I would deserve the LOVE and MERCY that he HEAPS on me. But that is just not the case. He does not require perfection from them ,or me. Only love.
Tonight at the marriage class, Z had a melt down, and we got called out to get him under control. It ALWAYS breaks my heart. I know that when he is singled out and embarrassed, he lashes out in anger. I do the same. Anyways, we were standing out in the hall talking to him, loving him, despite his imperfections (such a clear picture of Abba), and a woman walked by, she did not linger or seem to hear our conversation, but later, she e-mailed me. This is what she said “you are doing a great job”. That was it, in a nutshell. I know it was the Lord, affirming me, and letting me know that Love conquers all. This woman prefaced the message with”I don’t really know you at all”….well, I beg to differ, I think she does. And I think the Lord is doing a sneaky work in both of us.