child of my heart, (and whom it may concern)

dear whomever (i don’t know if that’s a word),

I owe you, and you, and you…and most likely you, an apology.  I am so sorry for my judgement.  Who do I think I am…right ? No, it’s not like that at all.  My judgement comes from a giant, humongous place of fear.  Fear that you will know the kind of shame, and hurt, and heartbreak that I have known. Through the years, this fear has overpowered everything. Even my trust that God has all of us in his hand.  Fear overpowered my love. How is that possible if perfect love casts out fear ? Because of the power I gave to the fear.  I called it’s name…love.  I am shattered about this, but overjoyed at the realization that every day is new.   I am new.  It was my own shame that I wore like a garment that weighed me down, and in my desire for you to NEVER wear it… I covered you in it.  Again, and again…I’m sorry.  I’ve spent the morning in negotiations with my papa about how to handle this.  He agreed to this post, but only if it included some specific things.  Here they are…..  First, you are beautiful, and funny, you are a princess, and I’m sorry I never told you that.  Second, you are smart, and you are strong. I am hoping that you are strong enough to forgive. And last, and most importantly….I love you, and nothing could make me stop. There is no thing, or feeling that you have, or have had that is foreign to me.  I have spent years walking down dark corridors, but I was always looking for light.  I know that you are too.  I am here. I am not going anywhere. Even in my moments of anger, I have prayed for you. Open up your heart, let that shield that you wear to protect yourself fall away, that is what I am doing even now. It is a new day. The gift of daylight comes without fail, like a symbol of the mercy that starts over, and over, and over.  I was never disgusted by you, it was me, and my fear. I hope you understand. God is love, and he has forgiven me so much. Say you will too ?

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